So anyway, I thought about it and thought about it while lying in bed last night and came up with some of the things that my now-husband and I used to fight over a lot when we first moved in together.
Joseph and I have been living together since September 2011 and were just "boyfriend and girlfriend" when we decided to move in together. By the way, I am a HUGE advocate for living together before getting engaged/married. Forget the whole "He won't buy the cow if he gets the milk for free," crap. One year and 3 months later, I had a rock on my finger (not that getting married is something all women are looking for, nor is it something they should be looking for - I understand marriage is not for everyone. There was a time when I seriously thought it wasn't for me either.). We had been dating for a little over 3 1/2 years and thought we knew what it was going to be like living together. We went on vacations together to see if we could be around each other for 24 hours a day for 7-10 days at a time. We even went on a cruise and lived harmoniously in a human-sized sardine can of a sleeping cabin. We thought we knew each others bad habits and annoying quirks. We. Had. No. Idea. When people say the first year of living together is the hardest (this is usually said about marriage since traditionally, couples do not live together until they were married, but I say screw tradition), they are not joking. We had never been that couple that fought. We bickered here and there like normal couples, but we never had, like, fights. We got into screaming matches over stuff I never dreamed of. SO! Long story longer, here are some things I would suggest new couples work out before signing that lease.
1. Bad habits
More than likely (and hopefully), you have been together long enough to have spent a decent amount of time in each others home before moving in together. You should already have a pretty good idea of what your partner's bad habits are. If there is something that you see as potentially very bothersome, talk about it before you move in together. Do not expect that your partner will suddenly break a habit that took probably years and years to develop just because they now have to share their space with someone else.
For instance, I am really bad about doing my laundry and my clothes are always scattered in random places throughout the house. When Joseph would come over my house, he would joke about my clothes being everywhere, but he seemed accepting of it. Until my clothes were all over his house, too. Not just mine. We still fight about this, but I am at least trying to get better. Also, he has a bad habit of hoarding receipts and keeping them in crumpled messy piles all over his dresser. I absolutely cannot stand this, but I knew he did it before we moved in together. However, I didn't realize how much it bugged me until his messy dresser was in my bedroom.
If there is something that you think will be a deal breaker that you just absolutely will not tolerate unless your partner changes their ways, talk about it. Communication really is key in a healthy relationship - talk, talk, talk! Get it all out and then move on to the next step with you both on the same page.
2. Bills
Have this worked out before moving in so there are no surprises later. Will the bills be in your name, theirs, or will you divide them? How will you split the bills? When will you sit down and figure out who owes the other what?
To keep things simple, we put everything in Joseph's name and he pays all the bills as they come in. We split everything except the mortgage equally (he bought the house - we did not buy it together before getting married) because at the time, he made a lot more money than I did. However, we figured out my fair share and agreed. At the end of the month, after all the bills have been paid, Joseph divides the total number in half and I write him a check. Not very romantic, but this is life as a barely middle class young couple.
3. Food
Who will be responsible for providing food for the house? Will all the burden be placed on one person? Will you go one week and then they will go the next? Will you do all of your shopping together? How will you keep track of food costs to make sure each is paying their fair share (food is expensive!)? What will your weekly/monthly food budget be (this is probably the most important factor to work out)?
Once again, to keep things simple, we gave all the food responsibilities to one person: yours truly. It is my duty to brave the Publix parking lot each week. Having one person be in charge was the easiest way we found to keep track of costs. Plus, Joseph hates the grocery store (not that I am super fond of it either, but I guess I tolerate it better) and honestly, he wouldn't know what to buy anyway. I once sent him to the grocery store to buy Pillsbury Crescent Rolls - he came back with croissants from the bakery section. Delicious, but not the right thing. Not the right thing at all. Bless his heart.
Also, who will be in charge of cooking? You cannot afford to eat take out every night (or maybe you can, I don't know. But most likely you can't), so who will be responsible for putting the food on the table? In addition, you may want to make an arrangement that whomever doesn't cook, cleans the dishes. I do all the cooking and Joseph does all the dishes.
4. Pets
Do either of you have a pet of your own? Is the other person really okay with sharing their house with said pet? Will they be sharing in the responsibilities of taking care of said pet and adopt them as their own, or will the main responsibility remain with the primary pet owner?
If neither of you has a pet before moving in together, does one of you want one? Does the other person want one, too? Are they at least open to the idea? Are they allergic to animals? Is not having a pet a deal breaker? If the other person agrees to live with a pet, will they share the responsibilities of taking care of the pet? A new pet is to be taken VERY seriously - adopting a pet is a huge commitment and should not be done unless the other person is truly willing to commit as well. Animals are not disposable - it causes them great distress when their bonds with their humans are suddenly broken. Do not get a pet with the attitude that you can just get rid of it if things don't work out.
Neither Joseph nor I had pets before moving in together. Joseph had never had a pet before in his life (seriously) and I had ALWAYS had pets growing up - and most of the time, multiple pets. Before moving in together, I was adamant that we must have pets and that I could not live in a home without animals. Joseph, not having any allergies, agreed to share the home with pets and we decided that two pets was reasonable for both of us. However, he did make his preference for a cat over a dog known since they are less maintenance. Disappointed because I was looking forward to finally having my own dog, I agreed, because I do really love kitties and have always had a kitty.
We now have a cat named Jane Eyre (although we call her The Bees - I have no idea what possesses us to call her this, but it's really cute when my husband says, "Oh no! It's the attack of the killer bees!" - it's seriously my favorite thing) and a chinchilla named Paco.
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| I can't resist sharing photos of my adorable fur babies! They are just the cutest little fluffs! |
Ah, the dreaded chores. At least for lazy people like me, they are dreaded. Joseph and I are still working this one out, but in a perfect world this is what we would do:
We would make a list of all the chores that need to be done around the house (not just IN the house). We would then sit together, review the list, and divide it equally by allowing each other to choose the chores we feel we can tolerate the most. This way, we would have a clear distinction of who is responsible for what and each of us would do our fair share. And we wouldn't totally hate our chores since we picked them ourselves. By the way, we are totally doing this in the very near future - we must.
Also, will there be a certain day you will do chores together? Or will you each just be responsible for doing your chores separately whenever each of you gets around to them?
6. Sleeping
Does one of you snore really loud? Are one of you a night owl and the other is an "early to bed, early to rise," kind of person? Do you have opposite working schedules that force you to sleep at different times?
Joseph and I do not have any of these problems, but we know many couples who do. Sleep is incredibly important not only to your personal health, but to the health of your relationship. If neither of you are sleeping well, you will be cranky and more likely to fight.
The only time my husband and I ever ran into this sort of problem with sleeping arrangements was when I was in grad school. There were some nights that I had to stay up all night writing a paper. Instead of disturbing him by messing with the covers, crawling into bed, and plugging in my phone, I would sleep downstairs on the couch those nights.
Bottom line, it may be necessary for you to sleep separately. Maybe not all the time, but every-so-often. Some may think that sleeping separately is a nail in the coffin for a relationship, but many times, it actually dramatically improves the relationship. Talk about each others sleep needs and how you will address any problems. Mostly, figure out who it is that will get the boot to the couch so you don't fight about it later.
7. Fighting
You are going to fight. It is inevitable. Talk about how you plan to address conflicts in a constructive manner. Also, you may want to each establish a "safe place" in the home. This is a place where each of you can go, undisturbed, to cool off while in a fight to better prevent regretful words from being spoken. Remember, once the words are said, they can never be taken back, no matter how many times one stresses they didn't mean it.
I made sure the home we moved into was two stories. I wanted the ability to completely separate myself from Joseph if I needed to get away for a few minutes to calm down. When we get in a fight, up the stairs and into our bedroom I go. Once I calm down, I go back downstairs (or Joseph comes upstairs) and we talk it out.
8. Personal Space
Everyone needs some "Me Time." It is important for personal growth and reflection. A relationship cannot flourish if the people in it are not flourishing and growing as well.
Talk about what your personal needs are for alone time and agree to be understanding and not get upset or offended if your partner asks to be left alone for a little while.
I know that when Joseph is in our office with the door almost closed and with the music on, he is most likely partaking in his "Me Time," and I leave him alone. He likes to write and make music, so I try to just let him do his thang. Also, he listens to music on his headphones every night before going to bed. This used to bother me and I would accuse him of tuning me out, but now I understand that is his "Me Time" that he just happens to have while lying next to me.
In addition to "Me Time," how will you handle having guests over? Both of you may be used to just inviting your friends over whenever you damn well feel like it. However, you will now be sharing a space with someone else and that someone else may not want to have people over at the same time you do. Talk about standard protocol for inviting friends over to make sure you do not overwhelm each other with company.
9. Expectations
This can apply to many different things dealing with your new arrangements.
What are each of your expectations for your relationship? Where is it headed? Is moving in together your final stepping stone or will there be wedding bells at some point afterward? If you both want to get married, is there a general time frame either of you would like to be engaged within?
What are your expectations of each other? Is one of you supposed to be going back to school? Or finishing school? How about looking for a new job because the one they are in is a dead-end or they should be striving for something better? Do you expect your partner to achieve a certain goal by a certain time?
What are your general expectations? How much quality time would you like to spend together? Will you have a designated date night (Just because you are going to be living together does not mean you stop dating each other. Ever.)? Will there be a limit to things like video game playing (No, you should not try to control your partner or try to change them, but unless you are playing video games together, excessive video game-playing can cause a lot of serious tension in a relationship.)?
Just talk to each other about what you are both expecting, in general, of living together. If there are certain things you are expecting your partner to do or not do, talk about them. Do not think for a second that your partner is a mind reader because this assumption will lead you to many, many, many fights. Trust me, I know from experience.
Living together can really be wonderful, so long as you are with the right person. Ultimately, living together is going to require a lot of compromise and you will understand the true meaning behind, the saying "Pick your battles." If either of you is too stubborn or too proud to make any concessions, you may find yourself in trouble.
I love coming home to Joseph every night and waking up next time him every morning. It is a nice feeling to share your home with someone you love and who loves you back. We both had to learn to be more open minded to each others ways and flaws, and to work out conflicts constructively rather than with pure aggression. So long as both of you are willing to work out the kinks together as a team and drop the ego, you will be fine.
